THE HOLY, HOLY HIGH COLONIC
I am here with news of great importance to all who would follow the blonde buff one with mountainous balls, Jock Jesus.
The TUTTLE FAMILY CHURCH OF THE ONLY TICKET TO SALVATION has decided to increase the Tuttle Church Electric Bill fund by selling certain items. A few of these items appear just like the normal ones you would buy at the drug store, but believe me, besides the elevated price, there are many other varied and significant differences.
Before I go into the actual list of items for sale this month, let me make sure that all of you Hell-Bounds -- which is what those blessed enough to be in our church call the rest of you --- are made once more aware of our Company Slogan:
You will burn in hell without this Blessed, lifestyle enhancing product.
Particularly our biggest seller... THE HOLY HIGH COLONIC. This bowel splash of soothing warmth is Tuttle Saint Blessed, by our two year old Moses Abraham Bush Tuttle, who is just the latest Tuttle to speak in tounges during his infancy -- Lord be praised we are special and blessed!!! Any preacher worth his salt will tell you that god is not pleased with our present state of anal hygeine -- and ye, I will now add, per the latest revelations, that NO STINK ASSES WILL BE ALLOWED NEAR THE HOLY THRONE OF JOCK JESUS THE BLONDE BUFF ONE. So what better way to show your devotion than an attractive, soft red rubber HOLY HIGH CALONIC!! 100% GUARANTEED TO WASH THE SEEDS OF SATAN OUT OF YOUR VILE BOWELS -- along with any skeletons you might have lodged in there from one of your drug based, rectal hamster insertion parties (had a vision about this one, strangely enough, while enjoying marital bliss with my wife? The Great Tuttle, as we like to call the blonde buff one around this holy house, sure works in mysterious ways).
You Could Be Just One Enema Away From Salvation!!!! Do Not let this chance to enter heaven (should you not be already too far gone). Go to my blog, The Only Salvation, to find out how to buy this and other products that will lead you out of your blind lives and into the Light that is me, Gilford Tuttle, White Male Christian Warrior.
I implore you heathen's to mark my words: Cleanse Your Bowels Now Before It Is Too Late!!!!