THE WRITINGS OF JOHNNY PAIN
After curing the inbreeding and goat fucking tendencie of the Elvi-Peeps, Ralph and his not really all that faithful followers drove the RV through miles and miles of beet fields. The beets were getting on everyone's nerves, as beets tend to do. . . especially evil beets, as these surely were. Ralph finally changed them all to bushes growing little lamb heads but no sooner did they kind of laugh at his miracle then there was a loud crack of lightening, the sky turned black, and the beets were back -- and this time they seemed even more menacing.
"Shit." Ralph looked about nervously, which made Mugily the Cleric nervous, because he had never seen or heard of Ralph getting nervous.
"What is it Ralph?"
"Those damn Elvi-Peeps are praying to me... oh, no... they've made me THE PATRON SAINT OF NOT FUCKING YOUR UNCLE's ASS.... Jesus is jelous. You know all the 'no god before' me crap he is always preaching. Their prayers have unwittingly made me powerful. Getting the attention of the man is the last thing I need, Mugily."
A thousand foot high visage of a storming and raging Jesus Christ appears in the road in front of them, surrounded by millions of angels armed with swords. Under his breath, Ralph whispered to Muggily, "Jesus is such a fucking drama queen... hey, ooh, I'm Jesus, watch me cure some leper's. . . there is nothing to curing lepers."
Without bothering to stop the bus from careening down the road at a hundred and fifty miles an hour, Ralph flew up and out in front of the huge Jesus face and told him, "They are not worshiping man... they are just confused by the loss of Elvis, like all Hillbilly's they believed he was immortal."
The bus carrying Ralph's followers crashed into a viaduct and they were trapped in the gnarled wreckage and slowly broiled to death.
Ralph tried to explain to Jesus that he was in no way trying to get followers or anything of the sort -- "You know me, man..." He told the enraged deity, " I can barely remember to keep my fifteen alive. Half the time I can't even remember to do that."
Jesus, seemingly having none of Ralph's explaination, raised his arm as if to smite.... The sky turned black and a howling wind blew up... then, the Robed one started laughing and all the angels' joined in as Jesus said, "We had you shitting in your pants, didn't we, Raph!!!?? Ha, good old Ralph, never too quick on the uptake are you?"
Ralph explained all this to his followers when he next resurrected them to continue eluding the Mad Donna, Assface Kurcher, Bouncing Tommy Cruise and the Demi-God -- who have already killed them all dozens and dozens of times, and more than likely will again and again...