the writings of johnny pain
The world's penguin population is SPINNING IN CIRCLES so fast that they appear like black and white blurs as they scream again and again, "Oh, the shits with you!' Visitors to zoos across the world responded differently to the odd behavior on the part of the notoriously unruly aquatic waterfowl. At New York zoo, the cursing penguins were pelted with empty cans of coke and admonished to "put up some amusing antics, or get the hell out." Surprisingly enough, the normally unarmed penguins returned fire with doubled barreled shotguns, taking out large swathes of the crowds gathered in front of their stage, and making for a few tense moments with a S.W.A.T. team before the police threw down their weapons, surrendered to the penguins and joined them in their cages spinning around in circles screaming, "Oh, the shits wit ya!!"
When President Bush heard about the mass exodus of new York?s finest to the penguins, he told white house reporters, "You know what we have here? Goddamned Animal Terrorists!!! I knew this would happen!!! I fucking knew it... wait, no, I didn't... We have an animal terrorist event!!! You know, chickens, for some reason, all had it out for my father. Fuck em, and all they're little 'bird friends and supporters, too!!'
We don't need em, not if they're terrorists!!! Oh, no -- Narco terrorist with weapons of mass destruction!!! Terrorist animals!!! That's a scary one. No, I won't have this, not on my watch!!! Kill all the fucking birds!!!"
The increasingly unstable W., who aides and pundits alike are calling, "Maybe too full of himself," is said to now be traveling with three nuclear bombs in his briefcase in case 'God tells me to blow stuff up and kill everybody again."
The president is canvassing the senate and congress today trying to drum up support for his plan to, quote, ? . . . take out all the other animals, once and fucking for all."
Bush made the first announcement of his plan this morning at 7:30 am while speaking to a shocked group of teachers, parents and pre-school students at the unveiling of a new wing of Ted's Library that is devoted to the presidents.
The president appeared in public early this morning wearing dark sunglasses, a cigar lodged in the corner of his mouth as he sipped a glass of scotch and occasionally sniffed at something in his breast pocket, much to the surprise of a crowd of pre-school teachers and quickly crying children who were gathered to hear what they thought was going to be a library opening. Bush went from screaming to whispering incoherently as he spoke for 45 minutes, telling the shocked and whimpering audience, "I've been thinking about getting bit by this squirrel when I was a kid, or at least I'm thinking about it now. Who the hell can tell? And this bird... that fucking bird that messed up the grill on one of the very first cars dad bought me. Well, I wrote in a paper for some damn class about how men had been at war with wild animals since leaving Eden . . . maybe it was a sermon I heard somewhere, a readers digest or some damn thing . . . don't knock me about my memory, for god's sake, not after you cows voted for reagan, who couldn't -- I swear to god -- remember to wipe his ass by his second year in office. Reagen said it best one day when some guy fed him a speech as a joke on him, which they did a lot at the end, just to break the tension from the cold war and all..."I ain't paid to know, I am paid to make you fuckers tremble until I get my goddamn way."
Bush then further scared the children by
ordering secret secuirity agents to '"Cut up all the stuffed animals. All of them. They're evil to me now, just more terrorists.... hey, that girl's trying to hide her fucking bunny -- kick her ass good."
Still no comment from the penguin's publicist. Other talkative puffins have yet to emerge, and all are still presumed dead.