the writings of johnny pain
Reports are everywhere that a rascist rant by Santa was secretly recorded on a phone and is now on Utube. The man in red was heard to say, among other rascist slurs, "Those jew kids... they don't need me, I don't fucking need them. Kike bastards, always out there pretending there was a Hitler. I don't see any proof here in this bar tonight to some damn Hitler. They come up with this shit as a way of putting it to the Christmas celebrating people fucking everywhere, man!!! Maybe if they didn't give them fucking presents for eight days, instead of just one big pay off like the rest of us, they wouldn't be some damn greedy. You think about that man, just think about it!!"
A drunken Santa was pontificating to a table of celebrities that included notorious 'bad kid' Charlie 'crack head whore monger' Sheen and a meth bouncing, try-sexual Andy Dick (he takes this sexual moniker because he will 'try' anything, and many a goat have not taken this plede seriously, only to let their mind wander and lower their guard around this celebrity and suddenly find themselves being stupped in the ear).
Numerous celebrities who have taken the brunt of Santa's judgements in the past and been declared the big N... Naughty... have been quick to point out the hypocrisy of the elf loving North Polar. Among them was Rosie O'Donnel, who had her own problems with Santa's drunken toungue wagging four years ago when the bearded on in red dismissed the day time talk show maven as, 'a tubbed out rug muncher,' whose, 'fondest fucking man hating dream, you can bet, is to have some balls sewn into her stanky area.' I mean, somebody just sew some balls on her already, alright? Am I right? Ain't I?"
Santa will be appearing tonight on Conan O'brian, where he is expected to apologize to jews everywhere, and once more say something derogatory about Rosie O'donnel -- a sure sign that the man in red is trying to score some points with his key audience of Evangelicals, who a CBS poll showed this morning could care less about Santa's rant, and wish he had gone further toward punishing the Christ Killers, but would still like him better if he slammed Sexaully Differently Abled Celebrities.
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