Chet Miller valued a few things about himself. One was the thought that he could have been much more than a car salesman if he had pursued what he saw as his talent -- comedy. Started when he received big laughs in a junior high production, and he still cracked his customers up. For the last twelve years, his talents were on display at the annual customer appreciation dinner, where he did a few jokes and introduced the winners of the various sales contests. Confident this year, his 49th, ...

I was out letting Ruby kill squirrels today. We are up to fifty three and a half (one was pretty badly wounded, but managed to scramble up a tree with just two and a half legs). For the sake of all that you consider Holy or funny, do not tell M. about this. She already suspects something is up because of the blood she keeps finding on Ruby's snout. I have her convinced that ruby has a secret stash of Strawberry Jelly; which I make all the more believable by hiding some jam that I put on her lips...

I think my position on Hamster Hair should be clear by now. This fashion statement slows them down and I will not have that!! Not in my army. The problem is that afterwards they look kind of scrawny and pathetic. A bitchin' tan really helps. They say that if you look better, you feel better, so it probably applies to Hamsters, too. So, of course, I have added tanning to their training schedules. Today I lectured the new troops for two hours on how to do maximum damage with a toothpick...

Phlegmy grew up ignorant of his station in life, as a mite on the ass of a fat maid who often smelled of inscense from a near by catholic church; all phlegmy knew was that he was young and the whole world seemed to be out there for him to take. Talky tv shows had convinced him, at a very young age, that he would become some sort of famous rock star, like all the mite's he admired on his favorite shows. He knew this would happen because he could just feel it was so, and all the big stars...

Hi. I'm dead. My name, where I lived, who I loved and hated is not important to me. Shouldn't be to you. There is an infinity of surprises involved in dying. I was surprised about going to hell . . . I didn't believe in any of this shit when I had flesh. Then I was surprised all the more when I found out we prefer Satan's domain by such a huge, bloody serious degree. Why is the life god sentenced us to so painful? Because the god wanted it to be horror filled... in a cosmos ...

Thirty nine million two hundred and forty six thousand years before our story takes place, massive shifts in plate teutonics wiped out the last vestiges of the Humanians off planet civilization. No one knew about a planet called earth, or the civilization that spawned their species and sent them on great ships out into cold, black space, after they destroyed their original host planet, leaving their once green and blue eden black and brown, as dead as the sterile vaccum of space that rep...

Dr. Helber came from a long line of slightly whacked out inventors; men and women who were geniuses in arcane manners altogether different than playing baseball or having spouses. Professors and hermit writers mostly, with the occasional sensational madmen and drunks. As a child looking over one of his family gatherings, it had seemed to him that only the children were sane and at least nominally average in their socialization (he was always having thoughts like that, even as a child...

Beacho the Human Chair Humans were quite the novelty when they were discovered by the federation of prosperity for all planets. Their easily manipulated genetics made breeding creatures for specific purposes easier than ever before. Within a mere 50 thousand human years, Grackinlablitz Species was selling warm, living chairs, large eyeless meat balls, milk mothers... and hundreds shapes and sizes of industrial tools, like an arm with tiny legs and eyes that can go deep into l...

Ten days and four minutes ago, at an unfamaliar stop on the chicago's underground train line, a fory three year old salesman from Minneapolis walked down the concrete steps and was confronted with a young man all dressed in black, with large nose rings and lip rings and ear rings and brow rings. Slumped against the wall frowning, the young city denizen looks up at the shocked man and starts talking in a cool, punky sneer, "Yea, I'm a fartist. No, no... I didn't say artist, dude. T...